


No compromises, I will kill you and eat you

by NixKat



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe, Body Horror, Cannibalism, Cults, Gen, Gods, Self-Insert, Shapeshifting, Trickster Gods
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-05-27 05:23:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15017564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NixKat/pseuds/NixKat
Summary: ~It sighed. "What happens when a would-be author dies? Who’s worlds and their inhabitants never found second lives in the minds of others?""They die." I said plainly.~Join in the adventure of an antisocial furry trying to get ninjas to believe in made-up gods and possibly even saving the world.





	1. All reality is but a dream

I died.

I don’t remember how, and I suppose it doesn’t matter much. Dead is dead.

I never cared much for religion back when I was alive. What happens after death never held my interest before. I never was good at planning for the future. Even so, if you had to ask me what happened to someone after they died, I’d've gone with oblivion or reincarnation. Not a dull empty nothing forever.

**_Agreed._ **

Huh, hearing voices from isolation now I guess.

**_You really are an atheist._ **

_Apatheist,_ I corrected automatically.

**_If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck._ ** The voice replied.

_So are you a hallucination or like a god or something?_

**_Yes._ **

_Oh, fuck you._ I shot back at what was probably an egregore or a tulpa, I never much cared about the distinction. Probably not the smartest move but fuck it, what was it gonna do? Make me double dead?

**_Alright, I’m gonna cut straight to the point._ ** It sighed. **_What happens when a would-be author dies? Who’s worlds and their inhabitants never found second lives in the minds of others?_ **

_They die._ I said plainly. Everything dies eventually; stories once there’s no one left to remember them, gods once left adrift with no followers, stars that run out of fuel. Absolutely everything and everyone dies. There’s nothing wrong with that.

**_Yes. And I’d rather not have so short a run. Its unbefitting of a god to have the life of a mayfly. Especially one so amazing as I._ **

_Which one are you by the way?_ I asked. I made a lot of gods for my stories. Never thought much on what kinda voices they’d have.

In response, the void lit up with the clearest brightest Milky night above and below me that I ever saw. A second look at the lights under my feet revealed them to be just a reflection in a thin layer of water over what felt like sand. In front of me, off towards the horizon, there was a hole. Then the hole moved, slithering up into the sky showing itself to be a long muzzled and long-horned serpentine monster ending in a flowing fan of membrane connected tails. A vantablack dragon with three glowing red eyes on its head.

                                                                   

_Ebinoxqital? God of darkness and magic and lies?_ I asked. I’d never really finalized a lot of designs before my demise. But noodly ‘evil’ Eastern dragon with tentacles was always one of the ones I drew more than the others.

**_Correctamundo, mon chere!_ ** The dragon god laughed. It approached twisting through the sky like a prize-winning betta. **_And I’ve got a proposition for you! Yer gonna get reincarnated in a ~magical~ world and I wanna be your patron god!_ **

_What’s in it for me?_ I asked.

**_… A literal patron god?_ ** It replied with disbelief as it settled into the embrace of its tentacles.

_And what do I get out of that?_ I asked again, crossing my arms.

**_Fucking superpowers ya daft cunt._ ** Ebinoxqital huffed impatiently. Blacker than black claws tapped the watery ground. **_Whatever ones ya want, within reason, I’m not working with much power at the moment. Protection from other gods. Heck, if things go well you could become a demigod._ **

_And what do you get out of it?_ Frankly, he had me at superpowers and, again, worse that could happen was I die again. And fuck it, if reincarnations how the world works then death means jack shit.

**_Well, you spread the good news. Followers for me and the power that comes with that._ ** The god shifted. **_And I would rather not die with nothing to my name. So what do ya say?_ **

It held out its hand and shrunk it to human size. Which looked ridiculous since nothing else about it changed. Its eyes watched patiently and I realized that it probably could wait for eternity.

_Eh. Why the fuck not?_ I grabbed the god’s freezing cold hand and gave it a firm shake. It smiled, showing rows of glowing fangs, and laughed a mad dog’s laugh.

**_Let’s have some fun kid!_ **


	2. Inhale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the new world.

I woke up in the body of a four-year-old turning five and thanked… my new god that I got to skip the meat potato stage of human life. I don’t know what Ebinoxqital thought of me as a person but with the contract signed he definitely knew more about me than I’d ever let anyone know in my past life. And even as a god of lies and trickery, he’d delivered on his end of the deal. He’d given me the looks I wanted: lovely medium brown skin, deep dark blue 4c hair, piercing orange eyes, and fangs. In moments of privacy, I tested my morphing, the power that I’d gotten from the deal, changing my fingertips into cat’s claws or growing feathers from my arms. According to Ebi, it would take a few years before he could absorb enough energy to let me do full transformations. And even more time before I could safely change into things a lot bigger than me.

So I couldn’t complain on that front. Ebi even managed to get me a name that pretty much meant the same thing as my old name. Even if the surname was a blatant reference to himself. But, gods are vain like that. 

What I could complain about was the bullshit luck of being reincarnated into the Naruto world! Just… the fuck. If I’d known that ‘ninja wizard bullshit child trauma’ land was where I was going I’d’ve stayed in the fucking void. Or asked for more shit.

Being the vessel of a god and having skipped out of the first four years of this life meant I had a lot of catching up to do with my character background. The vantablack tail (god mark apparently) and absolute lack of any trace of chakra in my body made me a medical curiosity! As did my uncanny ability to know where people were (if they stopped glowing I wouldn’t see them)! Which was why I’d lived in a hospital compound for the past four years of my life. Also that my preconscious body was apparently an uncanny valley mute robot child that gave everyone the creeps. And my sudden acting like a personness a) did not help with my reputation, b) meant I started actually getting distracted by the weird glowing ball in their chests and c) meant that the people keeping me here felt the need to study me more. 

And going by overheard nurse gossip from robot me’s memory I was a bastard! My mother was apparently some kunoichi who somehow got knocked up during a seduction mission somewhere around the land of Lightning. She’d apparently wanted nothing to do with me in the two years before she got killed by the Ninetails. And so it goes.

On the plus side, no one was trying to forcibly recruit me into ROOT. Or make me be a ninja at all really. Which made sense what with the whole ‘holy shit you have no chakra how are you even alive?!’ thing. And after about another year of tests and questions they just kinda let me go. As in the Hokage gave me the keys to a cheap apartment, a small stipend, and a schedule of hospital appointments to study my development.

Who in their right mind lets a six year old live alone? Ninjas apparently and the fucking civilians that live with ‘em. Why would anyone trust a six-year-old to be able to make a financial budget or pay taxes? As an adult used to living alone in a child’s body I adjust pretty well but I can easily imagine a real kid just not doing well in this situation. I start saving as much money as I can from my stipend, save containers and dig up dirt from the woods to grow vegetables in my home. I try to start hunting small birds and rabbits to save money on meat. I borrow books from the civilian library on gardening, home repair, local wildlife, wilderness survival, dance, taxidermy, and cooking. And I buy a lot of scrolls, pencils, brushes, and a good inkstone.

As much as I really really don’t want to I’m almost certain that my survival in the future depends on both becoming a ninja and getting close to Naruto. So I get busy training my body. Yoga in the morning for flexibility. Spontaneous dance to liven up the day. Hiking in the woods in the afternoon to build up endurance and start testing the god powers. Alone in the forest I push shifting as far as I can; I grow horns and antlers. I change the shape of my ears from human to cat to lizard. I twist human fingers into dog paws and deer hooves. I make feathers prickle my skin from my nose to my hips. Other than a redistribution of fat and muscle, and changing the shape of a few unimportant organs, my torso refused to stretch or twist to another shape. Everything glows from the plants to the animals and I don’t even need a torch or moonlight to see. I write down the date and what I can do and how much I can do before getting tired and how far I can see and how things look when I change my eyes.

Writing it down makes it science. And I know how to science.

I also write down lore for Ebinoxqital and the other gods in his pantheon like his children: Na’a of water, Emaho of fire, Tiranu of earth, Orna of air, and Donazu of life and death. I iron out the kinks with Ebi’s siblings Luminixqital of light and truth and Bibigri of space and time. I also figure out just what needs to be done with Lokau’ishu of chaos as the top dog of the group. There’s no telling how much influence I still have on my past self’s creations now that I live in a world where I know that at least one of them exists, but if I gotta get other people to buy into it there’s no harm in making a cohesive mythology.

Ebinox chimes in for the first time in weeks when I get around to drawing his kin. He complains about his brother Lumin the entire time it takes me to draw the  dozens of eyes and complicated showy fish fins on the bird-like light god. He agrees that that’s a good look for his twin, he just doesn’t like that I remembered that his rival existed.  **_You’re guaranteed to run into that dumb bastard now._ ** Ebi hisses from the back of my mind.  **_Heck, he’s probably running around somewhere in this world looking for a daft idealistic brat to make his paladin. Though, I doubt he’d choose a ninja, if only over the clash of aesthetics._ **

That’s not something to look forward to, but I write down a note about it. There are no further complaints when I draw the others, almost all with designs more complex than Ebi’s (why put detail where you couldn’t see it?) but not too complex. If I’m going to be drawing them over and over again I’m not trying to break my wrist. 

And in between everything I worked on my game plan. I sat down and wrote out everything I remembered about the Naruto world no matter how silly or contradictory. The main plot, the fillers, the movies, the games, the characters, the places, the monsters; Weather I remembered the names or not I wrote it down. Then I jotted down more logical outcomes for certain plot points because I knew bad writing when I saw it and it’s entirely reasonable that I’m not in the exact same Naruto world as the one I watched. 

Then I figured out the path I needed to take: I need to get as absurdly powerful as I possibly can if I wanna live to adulthood or retire in any meaningful way so being a ninja was a must. If Pein was still a thing I needed to be fucking ghost by the time he’d show up so I needed to figure out when was the best time to leave the village between graduation and then. Could I convince any of these kids to leave with me? If it was possible I’d try it. After leaving the village? I’d have to move... a lot. And Ebi wants me to spread the good word so I could do that. But anything else left me drawing a blank. I could try to save the world but that would take a lot of money and people skills so it could wait on the backburner.

Morphing was a really useful power and when it finished developing I doubt anyone would be able to hold me anywhere and conscious at the same time. But, you should never keep all of your eggs in one nest. I could probably gain some elemental powers later when Ebi gains more power but until then what were my options? Ninjutsu? I don’t have chakra and whatever energy it is that I do have to do magic with might not be compatible. Genjutsu? Maybe? Depending on how it works. I know that illusions like what kitsune do and the glamour of fairies counts as falling under the domain of Ebi. So it could work. Weapons? I never had good aim in my last life, I could work on it just in case. Taijutsu? Yes. All the yes. It would take work but if I can someday be a kickboxing  _ T. rex  _ I could die happy. Sealing? Maybe? I’d have to figure out how it works just like genjutsu. Was there anything else? I don’t remember if there was so taijutsu and shapeshifting would be a good base to start with and focus on.

Finishing with that very dangerous scroll, in particular, I pressed it into my shadow to give it to Ebi to hold onto. If anyone could go into the shadow god’s pocket universe and retrieve that scroll I’d probably be in for a fun time with the Torture and Interrogation department. ...or I could give that information over willingly. I’d read in more than a few fanfics about real people that end up in the ninja world of the protagonist of the fic giving possibly useful future information to the Hokage and such. But given what I knew about the Hokage and the village… fuck ‘em. I’m not that sympathetic about potential future death tolls.

Settling to bed I resolved to put my plot in motion by seeking out Naruto Uzumaki and getting in good with him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might illustrate stuff.


	3. Spiral

Finding Naruto was easier than expected. 

We lived in the same apartment complex and a blond kid with whiskers was not common. It didn’t hurt anything but my eyes that the kid was fucking luminescent in broad daylight. Much more so than the civilians and ninja walking around. And instead of one glowy ball in him, he’s got two, one peach gold floating somewhere around his heart like everyone else and the other a bright pomegranate red settled behind his navel. (Huh, it was entirely possible that the light I was seeing was chakra but then what were the balls? Were those souls? Maybe, I mean the whole reincarnation thing was solid proof that souls exist.) Note to self, look more into that.

Naruto Uzumaki is four years old and far skinnier than he should be. His clothes, a very pale brown-grey t-shirt that clearly used to be white and some dark green shorts, were blotched with stains from dirt and grass and you could see the wear in their seams. I will be the first to admit that I don’t much like or empathize with people, but the part of me that gave a damn about others very much wanted to punch whichever dumbass thought someone only two years or so out of diapers could take care of themselves. I made contact with the kid by coincidently winding up at the Ichiraku stand at the same time as him. 

Now if only I was any good at human interaction.

“Hey! You’re the weirdo who talks to birds who lives on the second floor!” Naruto effectively shouted. I’d forgotten how loud he was, but that was a conversation starter. Better than what I was thinking.

“I like birds,” I responded. Birds are cool and cute. “Don’t you live on the top floor with the greenhouse.”

That, apparently, was enough to loosen the floodgates of a severely attention starved extrovert. Words came at me a mile a minute and I went into the autopilot of an overwhelmed introvert at a party until he happened upon a subject I knew anything about. Turns out some of his plants have aphids, which are best explained to a four-year-old as plant fleas. And it was terrifyingly easy to convince Naruto to follow me deep into the woods alone to catch ladybugs to eat the aphids.

Really, it was probably impossible to get the kid to stop following me. Turns out attention starved orphans were a lot like stray cats, feed ‘em once and you’ll practically trip over ‘em every time you leave the house. And I didn’t mind the company, not like the extra tail hampered my plans any.

Turns out the combination of next to no understanding of ‘Japanese’ culture and manners, the inability to put up with other people’s shit, inhuman physical traits, and hanging out with the village pariah changed my reputation among the populace from ‘creepy zombie orphan’ to ‘probably a demon very poorly pretending to be human’. Granted, biting and slapping assholes did not help in that regard. Nor did helping Naruto pull vengeance pranks.

But, fuck it. Why should I give a shit about what other people think of me? And they already thought poorly of the kid so no loss in teaching him to stand up for himself. It did wonders for his self-confidence, it’d been ages since I’d heard him yell about how ‘he’d be Hokage one day and folks will have to pay attention to him’. Which is good cause that was annoying and it's tiring to argue with children about how their heroes ain’t shit.

And speaking of people who aren’t shit…

“Namiko-san, do you know why you were called to my office?” The Third Hokage sighed, exhaling smoke that burned the inside of my nose. The fucker was giving me secondhand smoke exposure so I didn’t bother to suppress the urge to curl my lip in disgust.

“Cause a bitch snitched.” I replied in the flattest tone my meat puppet body could pull off. Which was nice and dead inside sounding to my ears.

“Namiko-san, you can’t go around throwing watermelons at people. Do you know that little Naruto looks up to you? You’re a role model and you should demonstrate proper behavior.” The old man looked tired… but that wasn’t my problem. This was our third heart-to-heart this month and no real punishment had come my way other than cleaning up my messes and offering empty apologies to grown ass bitches that picked on children. Really, it’s hard to punish orphans that take care of themselves if you have no interest in actually being a parent.

“I witnessed my comrade suffering from injustice. Those who do nothing to stop evil act are evil themselves.” I said. Then shrugged, “If it is not my place to dispense justice, then I apologize. I will notify the police next time.”

“Please do.” Sarutobi sighed again like I’d made him age another twenty years just by me opening my mouth. “And about your application to the Academy. Your condition means that you are unable to use ninjutsu or genjutsu.”

“There’s more to being a ninja than just magic.”

“That’s true but you’re also much older than the rest of your class will be. Starting training at your age can be difficult to keep up in the long term. ”

Too old to start classes. Bullshit. More like too old to buy into blatant propaganda. “I assure you, Lord Hokage, I am aware of my limitations and firmly believe that I will be able to keep pace with my future comrades. Not only that but I also believe that my presence will help Naruto do well in his studies.”

We fell into a silent stare down as Sarutobi considered my words. Something I had an advantage in because I didn’t need to blink. Not with my outer eyelids at least. Eventually, he exhaled a cloud of smoke and I had to close my eyes at that. Disgusting.

“Very well,” The Hokage said, “But you will need to be on your best behavior.”

“I will be a paragon of virtue, sir.”

**Author's Note:**

> How far will I get in this? Who the fuck knows, I'm just following my muse.


End file.
